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15 January 2009 @ 04:04 pm
I appear to have written SPN fic  
Title: Claw
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Disclaimer: Not mine. This is a good thing.
Notes: This was written for the SPN kink meme over at blindfold_spn. I've polished it up a little since its original posting. The prompt: Dean/Castiel, one of Castiel's hands is a crab claw. This originated here.



It had been a bit of a surprise when it first appeared, sure. A little freaky, even. But Dean's insistent questions only managed to drag mumbled responses from Castiel, in which Dean could barely make out the words "grace" and "divinity" and "stupid Uriel", and it became apparent the problem wasn't gonna go away, so he got used to it. After all, weirder things had happened in Dean's life than his gay angel lover suddenly replacing his right hand with a ginormous crab claw. Probably.

After a while, the claw stopped being unattractive to Dean. And a while after that, it started to seem... sexy. They'd been rolling around in bed, Castiel flat on his back with his crab claw politely stretched to the side and Dean straddling his hips, and then when he came, his mouth opened and his back arched and the crab claw snapped shut twice, claspclasp. Dean chalked it up to a fluke when the sound alone had him throwing his head back and coming all over his own stomach. He realized it had to be a little more than that, though, when things were getting steamy the next time, Castiel pushing into Dean from behind, and the crab claw bit into the pillow beside Dean's head and suddenly he was blind with lust. That's when he got the idea.

*


"Melted butter," Dean announced to Castiel.

"Melted butter," Castiel repeated, doing that quizzical I-am-very-confused tilt of his head thing. The crab claw twitched at his side.

"And lemon juice." Dean had a whole bag of supplies. He set it on the table and the furrow in Castiel's brow deepened, the severity of the crease in direct proportion to the breadth of the landscape of bewilderment he was lost in. Didn't matter. They were having fun tonight.

In the end, Dean made a whole pot of melted-butter-and-lemon-juice. He painted stripes on Castiel's crab claw and licked them off. It didn't taste a whole lot like a crab dinner and the texture was rough and bumpy under his tongue, but that was all made up for by the way it moved and shuddered and snapped, the reverberations thrumming all the way to his dick, and by the way Castiel moaned when he slurped at the rubbery white tissue at the joint. The crab claw trembled with the effort not to close and scythe Dean's nose right off, and later they used to the leftover melted-butter-and-lemon-juice to lube Dean up, so yeah, maybe the development wasn't bad at all.

*


Dean was blowing Castiel in a stall in a men's restroom - everyone has to be cliche sometimes, he'd figured, and dragged Cas in - and Castiel's hand came down to rest in Dean's hair. He pushed it away and a moment later, it was replaced by the crab claw. The claw was too big to get a hold of Dean's hair, and instead it gripped his entire forehead. He could feel the jagged edges leaving imprints on his skin. He sucked ever the more enthusiastically and the crab claw tightened just enough to hurt when Castiel shouted out and came.

*


Castiel got into the habit of fastening his crab claw onto Dean's body during sex. Dean's thigh was a favorite part, as was his upper arm, right below the scar that Cas had left back when he still had two hands. One time Castiel forgot himself and clasped Dean's neck in his claw, and damn, that didn't last long but it was hot. Castiel was usually very careful and gentle with the crab claw, but sometimes his control slipped and Dean had thin lines of blood where the claw had punctured his skin. Castiel was always mortified. Dean secretly liked those nights best.

*


They were in Montana fighting demons when one got the jump on Castiel. Normally, Castiel took demons out with a few controlled punches and the holy palm-to-the-forehead maneuver, keeping his bulky crab claw tucked up by his stomach. This time, though, the crab claw came up with ferocious speed and strength, locking onto the demon's neck and keeping it in place as Castiel burned it from its host. Dean almost let a demon gank him because he was too busy staring, and then almost let the same demon gank him again, because he was too busy sporting wood.

"Your relationship is an inexcusable distraction," Uriel boomed at them after the battle was over.

"Our relationship is none of your business," Dean said. Castiel raised his crab claw and clicked it in Uriel's direction, with vague disapproval.

"It will be the end of you both," said Uriel.

"No," Castiel disagreed, mildly, "Lilith will most likely be the end of us both," and he dragged the tip of his crab claw down Dean's spine. Dean shivered, and when he looked up, Uriel was staring at him, and at Castiel, and at Castiel's crab claw, which still had a bit of rope from the previous night's shenanigans stuck to it. Dean grinned unabashedly. Not too long after, Uriel requested reassignment. Dean didn't really understand it. Even if you didn't go for Castiel's charming personality, who wanted to be separated from the hot guy with the crab claw?

*


They used like an entire tube of KY to get the crab claw slick enough that Dean felt safe putting his dick anywhere near that thing, even though it had been his idea in the first place. It took a few minutes to get Castiel's claw to exactly the right position, so it was open enough that Dean wouldn't hurt himself but also closed enough that he could still get some friction.

"I am not sure this will be comfortable, Dean," Castiel said dubiously.

"Don't worry," Dean assured him. "It'll be just like skullfucking."

"Like what?" Castiel looked scandalized.

"Not that I've ever done any skullfucking myself," Dean said. "I mean. That's gross. I do have access to plenty of skulls - but I've read things. On the Internet." Dean saw that Castiel was beginning to slide back into that place of deep confusion, so he sighed and got to the point: "Just don't chop my wang off with your claw, dude. You know I love your claw but there are some parts of myself I'm not ready to sacrifice."

He pushed into the lubed-up hole formed by the crab claw's two pincers. The sensation was indescribable, rough and wet and hard all at the same time, and Dean was soon fucking into it with abandon, one hand braced on the wall and the other on Castiel's shoulder. Castiel just knelt there, in the bed with Dean, crab claw extended and held steady at hip level, the expression on his face one of bemusement. Maybe arousal, too, a little. But mostly bemusement. His eyebrows shot up when Dean came, the white of his ejaculate spattering the muted orange of the crab claw, like he was surprised, like he'd never seen that before. Dean shook his head as he reached for Castiel's groin. Dean loved the guy, but Cas was still a freak.

*


After the war, Castiel and Dean sat on the hood of the Impala, parked on the edge of the Grand Canyon, staring into the sunset, Sammy curled up and asleep in the backseat. At some point during the hours they remained there, almost as still as if they, too, were carved from stone, Dean's fingers had somehow entangled themselves with Castiel's. He felt Castiel give a slight squeeze and looked over at him, smiled. Dean raised his beer can in a salute, and by his side, Castiel lifted his up too. Then he accidentally crushed his can in his giant freaking crab claw, and beer sprayed everywhere. Dean blinked it out of his eyes; Castiel was grinning sheepishly. He raised his crab claw again, off to the side, like an orange flag of freakdom.

Claspclasp
 
 
 
HIGH PRIESTESS OF THE NON SEQUITUR: [CAPSPN] shared husband? worth itbreakinporcelan on January 15th, 2009 03:28 pm (UTC)
I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO MADE THIS GLORIOUS FIC!

ALSO YOU GET BONUS POINTS FOR MENTIONING SKULLFUCKING. ILU.

*CLASPCLASP*
srs bsns: castiel darkibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 03:32 pm (UTC)
XD I think I'm flattered that this is the kind of thing you expect from me.

Skullfucking is a requisite in ALL fic.

ILU2. *CLASPCLASP*
The yammiest of all the yams: Supernatural- Nippssweetest_potato on January 15th, 2009 03:46 pm (UTC)
I think you maybe broke my brain a little.

Awesome!
srs bsns: sylar river brainibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 03:58 pm (UTC)
I do love breaking brains. Thanks!
Emerald Embersemerald_embers on January 15th, 2009 03:50 pm (UTC)
I AM LEAKING FLUIDS IN ALL DIRECTIONS FROM LAUGHTER

OMG I LOVE YOU
srs bsns: omg so drunkibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 03:58 pm (UTC)
I WILL GET YOU A MOP

BUT I WARN YOU, THE MOP IS MADE OF CRACK.
(no subject) - emerald_embers on January 15th, 2009 04:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 04:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Gem Vakarian: [SPN] Claspclaspgembat on January 15th, 2009 04:47 pm (UTC)
I actually SQUEALED WITH HIGH PITCHED LAUGHTER when I read the line about skullfucking, and it was about 3AM and I was in a house full of people when I read it and omg.

I love you so hard for this. XD
srs bsns: castiel pwns a bitchibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 04:56 pm (UTC)
When I had the idea about Dean having sex with the claw itself, I was like "But... it's a claw," and then I was like "But hey, if people can fuck skulls--!" This is perfectly logical logic.

I love you so hard for prompting this, and creating the whole *CLASPCLASP* thing in the first place.

Edited at 2009-01-15 04:57 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - gembat on January 31st, 2009 05:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ibroketuesday on February 3rd, 2009 10:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - gembat on February 3rd, 2009 04:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ibroketuesday on February 3rd, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
tiki_92090: Ianto Laugh S04E12tiki_92090 on January 15th, 2009 05:07 pm (UTC)
OMG!! THIS IS SO CRAZAYZAY!

HEHE! RANDOM CLAW ACTION WITH DEAN!

HAHAHAAHAHAHA

Thanks for writing!!
srs bsns: castiel o rlyibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 05:15 pm (UTC)
Claw action is never random. It is PREORDAINED. *claspclasp*

Thank you for reading and commenting. :D
Molly: sup | empty rings around your heartantinous_wild on January 15th, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)
WHAT.

HOW WAS THIS AWESOME?

I AM SO CONFUSED.

AND YET IT IS SO AWESOME.

HUH.
srs bsns: adorkable zachary quintoibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
:D I AM SO GLAD YOU THOUGHT IT WAS AWESOME. As for your confusion, this probably won't clear it up, like, at all, but that's where it began.
(Deleted comment)
srs bsns: castiel you rang?ibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 05:14 pm (UTC)
Aww. I don't know what I did to make people guess this was me, but I'm so proud. Unless it was the Bambi/Castiel. Then I'm not proud AT ALL.

It really is a ~*~touching story~*~. It has ~*~depth~*~. XD Thanks.
Cristina: lolgrimmy23 on January 15th, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC)
That was so funny. I managed to keep my laughter contained until I got to this:
"Don't worry," Dean assured him. "It'll be just like skullfucking."


That's wehn I lost it.

My co-workers think I'm nuts anyway.
srs bsns: castiel darkibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 05:41 pm (UTC)
Obviously, we're all nuts. :P Thank you.
simithedemon: WetDeansimithedemon on January 15th, 2009 05:33 pm (UTC)
I read this earlier (I was sent, it was demanded that I read it) and then I had to go to Mishaland and read all that too....

You are mad, but awesome. This fic is awesome. I originally was very worried that I thought this, but it's gradually fading under the onslaught of awesomeness.

:)
srs bsns: castiel darkibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 05:47 pm (UTC)
It is made of win that this fic is now being pimped out to others. \o/ And yay! New Mishalandian! *high five*

The madness is what makes it all awesome, dude. We're all mad here.

Edited at 2009-01-15 05:47 pm (UTC)
Olympiaolympia_m on January 15th, 2009 09:49 pm (UTC)
lolololol

haven't laughed so much in days - I think :):):)

great job (if a little bemusing... *G*)
srs bsns: castiel darkibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 11:02 pm (UTC)
Hee. Made you laugh and took your memory. XD Excellent. Thank you.
(Deleted comment)
srs bsns: castiel you rang?ibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 11:01 pm (UTC)
*CLASPCLASP* :D
The Large Purple Weed: OMG - Mishatracy on January 15th, 2009 10:47 pm (UTC)
KFLJD;SLAKFJSDLKFAJ I AM SO FUCKING MORTIFIED RIGHT NOW AND YOU ARE MY HERO AND THIS IS OFFICIALLY ONE OF MY FAVOURITE FICS EVER, ACTUALLY. BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE HELL YOU DIDN'T INCLUDE THAT PICTURE FROM mishaland IN THIS POST FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T ALREADY HAVE THE VISUAL, SRSLY WTF.

NNNNNNNGH. I DO NOT CLICK MY CLAW AT YOU, SIR, BUT I DO CLICK MY CLAW AT YOU, SIR! SKULLFUCKING. DYING DYING DYING ILUSM.

THERE NEEDS TO BE A SEQUEL IN WHICH A GIANT CRAB HITS ON DEAN WHO CAN'T QUITE STOP STARING BECAUSE IT'S GOT TWO CLAWS AND CASTIEL GETS ALL JEALOUS AND TERRITORIAL AND FIGHTS IT PLZ? PLZZZZ?
srs bsns: castiel jerk bitch mortalsibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 11:17 pm (UTC)
OMG SO MUCH CAPSLOCK FLATTERY. *BLUSHES* *CLASPCLASP*

I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE HELL YOU DIDN'T INCLUDE THAT PICTURE FROM [info]mishaland IN THIS POST FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T ALREADY HAVE THE VISUAL

Well, I was going to do it, and then I forgot, and by the time I remembered, I had already posted the thing in like three different communities and it would have been a SRSLY BIG HASSLE (if you are lazy, which I am) to go back and edit them all with a link to the origin of the meme. I think I will now that I've finished writing, editing, and submitting the essay I was freaking over, since this whole thing wasn't actually my idea and credit is due to gembat and woodstarling.

OH SHIT, SEQUEL IDEA IS FUCKING AMAZING. WHAAAT. Dean would have bizarre, really dirty dreams about the crab and Castiel would sulk. Okay. Maybe. Maybe. That's all I can promise. I have a vair busy lief, you know. Vair busy.
(no subject) - tracy on January 15th, 2009 11:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 11:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
S. A. Bonasi: Swordsabonasi on January 15th, 2009 11:51 pm (UTC)
*ded from laughing*
!!!!!
srs bsns: you'll die!ibroketuesday on January 15th, 2009 11:52 pm (UTC)
Re: *ded from laughing*
OH NOES, DEATH BY LOL. D: lol thanks.
Renée: SPN. Castiel.rogueslayer452 on January 16th, 2009 12:04 am (UTC)
THIS IS PURE GENIUS CRACK - OMG CLAW!CASTIEL AND CLAW!SEX? SRSLY, OMG! I LAUGHED SO HARD! XD XD XD
srs bsns: nathan fairydanceibroketuesday on January 16th, 2009 12:22 am (UTC)
I AM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT! :D Hey, bb, why haven't you joined the ranks over at mishaland yet? It's where this kind of crack is born.
(no subject) - rogueslayer452 on January 16th, 2009 12:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
Lisa Marie: XDwhirligigged on January 16th, 2009 12:54 am (UTC)
I have a haiku for you.

THIS FANFICTION HAS
NO REDEEMING QUALITIES
YOU DEGENERATE




(please marry me)

Wait wait wait that last line is not supposed to be there that is not even remotely the right number of SYLLABLES, how silly.
srs bsns: nathan fairydanceibroketuesday on January 17th, 2009 12:27 am (UTC)
DEGENERATE LESBIAN INTERNET MARRIAGE FTW. We shall sleep on a mattress of angel feathers and gaze on a ceiling that is papered with slashfic.
the heart collector: Castiel & Dean!summersiren on January 16th, 2009 03:37 am (UTC)
HAHAHA! It was like my 4797986964th time reading and it still amuses me greatly.

*clasp clasp*
srs bsns: castiel o rlyibroketuesday on January 17th, 2009 12:25 am (UTC)
LOLOL, it is a classic and will last for eons. *CLASPCLASP*
not_refined on January 26th, 2009 11:13 am (UTC)
Darn, I read this and then lost the link and now I'm mem'ing it because I do NOT want to lose it again! This is just so awesome and bizarre and ADORABLE. MY GOSH. I just love it far too much.

This is one of my favourite things that I have ever read. EVER.
srs bsns: castiel o rlyibroketuesday on January 30th, 2009 08:47 pm (UTC)
Wow, thanks for the wonderful comment! That warms my black and shriveled little heart. XD
fpvs: Castiel Close upfpvs on January 26th, 2009 11:17 am (UTC)
That was AWESOME!
srs bsns: castiel pwns a bitchibroketuesday on January 30th, 2009 08:40 pm (UTC)
Thankya!
woodstarling on January 31st, 2009 02:44 am (UTC)
CLASPCLASP.

OMFG MY LIFE IS COMPLETE. ILUUUUUUUUU
srs bsns: castiel deanibroketuesday on January 31st, 2009 02:51 am (UTC)
CLASPCLASP!

MY LIFE WOULD BE SO HOLLOW WITHOUT THE CRABCLAW.
I AM THE PROPHET KIMstraykim on January 31st, 2009 03:10 am (UTC)
"Castiel raised his crab claw and clicked it in Uriel's direction, with vague disapproval."

IT'S LIKE THE GIRLISH SNAP OF THE FINGERS WITH ATTITUDE. IT'S GLORIOUS.

ALSO...I CALL BULLSHIT ON DEAN SAYING HE'S NEVER DONE SKULLFUCKING. HE TOTALLY HAS.
srs bsns: castiel o rlyibroketuesday on January 31st, 2009 03:57 am (UTC)
Castiel is so the angel of oh snap. Oh you did not just break that seal, bitch, etc etc.

Dean's totally done skullfucking. It's just a fact. THIS IS WHY HE'S SO ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT BEING A HUNTER. LOTS OF SKULLS.
Reb Bonodict: Sam hi fivecallie_828 on January 31st, 2009 03:50 am (UTC)
MELTED BUTTER LUBE? SKULLFUCKING? UMMMMM YEEEAAAAAAH YOU PRETTY MUCH FUCKING WIN. AT LIFE. AND BEING AWESOME.

Oh, and this ---> He set it on the table and the furrow in Castiel's brow deepened, the severity of the crease in direct proportion to the breadth of the landscape of bewilderment he was lost in. MOAR WIN.

It's so sad to admit but I have come to a point where crabclaw!Castiel feels normal and seeing/reading about him without it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?
srs bsns: castiel darkibroketuesday on January 31st, 2009 03:55 am (UTC)
I'M SORRY, I CANNOT WIN AT LIFE AND BEING AWESOME. YOU KNOW MISHMISH IS THE WINNER AT THAT.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?

It means that Castiel hasn't made an appearance in far, far too long It means that THIS WILL BE CANON, DUH.
Smart with an A, like a raisin.thepillowsnake on January 31st, 2009 07:05 am (UTC)
CLASPCLASP
srs bsns: castiel deanibroketuesday on February 3rd, 2009 10:15 am (UTC)
CLASPCLASP!
(no subject) - thepillowsnake on February 5th, 2009 05:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
Amy: protonix monstersublimatedangel on February 4th, 2009 06:46 pm (UTC)
I AM DISTURBED THAT THE CRABCLAW DOES NOT BOTHER ME AT ALL, YET I WAS ALL 'EEK!' ABOUT LEMON JUICE IN THE LUBE, BECAUSE... STINGING, AND OUCH. WTH IS WRONG WITH ME?

ALSO, VERY NICELY DONE WITH THE GRADUAL FASCINATION AND FETISHIZATION ON DEAN'S PART.
srs bsns: castiel crab ariel urielibroketuesday on February 4th, 2009 06:55 pm (UTC)
HEE. I winced at the lemon and melted butter lube as well, because its consistency resembles water more than anything properly lubelike, but I just couldn't pass it up. BUT IT IS ENTIRELY NATURAL TO LOVE THE CLAW.

Thank you!
Damerel: ice dancing cowboydamerel on February 21st, 2009 12:07 am (UTC)
*wheezes* oh, this was just perfection!!!

For some really, really bizarre reason which I refuse to examine too closely, this was my favourite line: Castiel raised his crab claw and clicked it in Uriel's direction, with vague disapproval.

This is perfect. And so canon.
srs bsns: castiel park benchibroketuesday on February 21st, 2009 12:23 am (UTC)
That's my favorite line, too. I just love the image. Only Castiel could make the clicking of a crabclaw express clear disapproval.

Thank you!
(no subject) - damerel on February 21st, 2009 10:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
Gem Vakarian: [SPN] Claspclaspgembat on September 20th, 2009 05:43 am (UTC)
JUST CHECKING.

YEP. THIS IS STILL THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO THE INTERNET EVER.
srs bsns: castiel crab ariel urielibroketuesday on September 20th, 2009 06:05 am (UTC)
*SNORT*

ILU. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT CRABCLAW INTO THE WORLD, AFTER ALL.